Learning to Say No: Tips for Setting Boundaries from a Trauma Therapist in Atlanta
It’s a difficult realization that some of the heaviness, confusion, or anxiety you feel today might be traced back to your own childhood—especially if you grew up believing your family life was “normal.” You may find yourself scrolling online, searching for why everything feels so overwhelming, and feeling like something is wrong with you, or blaming yourself for things that happened. As a trauma therapist in Atlanta, I see people struggling with unresolved trauma stemming from the family dynamics of their childhood. You might be dealing with persistent depression or anxiety that seems to come out of nowhere, with a constant feeling of being on edge, unable to stand up for yourself, or even completely taken advantage of.
The weight of childhood family dynamics can shape your beliefs about your worth, setting boundaries, your ability to feel safe in the world, and your ability to trust others, even when you don’t realize it. It’s important to know these feelings are real and valid. Many trauma survivors grow up believing they had a “normal” upbringing because they were conditioned not to question their family’s behaviors or beliefs. Yet, as adults, they may struggle to form healthy relationships, stand up for their own needs, or set boundaries—all due to the lingering effects of unresolved childhood wounds.
If this sounds familiar, know that you’re not alone. I’m here to offer insight that might help you start making sense of these feelings, but keep in mind this is just a general overview. Connecting with a trauma-informed mental health professional is essential for understanding and addressing your unique experiences.
What are boundaries, and why do they matter in trauma recovery?
Boundaries are the limits and guidelines we set with ourselves and others to feel safe, respected, and valued. In trauma recovery, boundaries play a critical role because they allow survivors to feel they have a voice, build trust in relationships, and regain a sense of control. For those who experienced a lack of boundaries or were taught to dismiss their own needs, learning to identify, set, and maintain them is an essential part of healing.
Boundaries impact nearly every area of life, from emotional safety to personal space, and they can help trauma survivors rebuild self-worth and recognize their own needs. Here are a few ways boundaries support trauma recovery:
Emotional Protection: Setting boundaries helps to protect against situations that might trigger painful memories or feelings, creating a safer emotional space for healing.
Self-Worth: Establishing boundaries reinforces that your feelings, needs, and limits matter. It’s a form of self-respect that counters beliefs rooted in trauma that may have led to self-doubt.
Improved Relationships: Clear boundaries create healthier interactions by allowing you to express needs and expectations, which fosters mutual respect in relationships.
Empowerment and Control: Setting boundaries gives you a sense of control over your environment and interactions, which can be empowering for those who once felt powerless.
For trauma survivors, boundaries are not only a way to protect themselves but also a way to nurture growth and create a life aligned with their values. By learning to set limits with others, survivors can slowly reclaim their voice and sense of agency.
Why is setting healthy boundaries so difficult after growing up in a family with toxic dynamics and complex trauma?
Setting boundaries after growing up with toxic family dynamics or experiencing complex trauma can be incredibly challenging because, often, those early environments taught us that boundaries were either nonexistent or not meant for us. In toxic family systems, personal needs, limits, and emotions are frequently overlooked or dismissed, sending the message that setting boundaries is selfish or unacceptable. If you grew up in an environment where your feelings were invalidated or you felt pressured to put others’ needs before your own, it’s easy to internalize the belief that you don’t have the right to say “no,” assert yourself, or protect your well-being.
In families where boundaries weren’t respected, you might have learned that your role was to keep the peace, fulfill others’ expectations, or meet emotional needs at the expense of your own. These learned patterns create a “normal” in which speaking up feels unnatural, even unsafe. Trauma survivors may feel guilty or anxious when setting boundaries because it’s unfamiliar territory. Yet, in trauma recovery, re-learning these essential skills is a powerful step toward building self-respect, security, and healthier relationships.
How can boundaries help me learn to trust others after trauma?
Boundaries are necessary in helping us learn to trust others because they create a predictable framework for how we interact with people. When we can predict what will happen, there’s a sense of safety. It’s when things become uppredicable that anxiety begins to settle in. When we establish clear boundaries and others respect them, it reinforces the idea that our needs, feelings, and personal space matter—providing a sense of safety and consistency that’s essential for trust. This predictability, even in small interactions, can help rebuild a sense of stability and security that may have been lost due to trauma.
By setting and maintaining boundaries, we signal to ourselves and others that certain behaviors are acceptable while others are not. This process encourages us to feel more in control of our interactions and to choose relationships where mutual respect is present. For trauma survivors, knowing that boundaries will be honored allows them to feel safer in the world and opens the door to trusting that others can and will treat them with care and respect. Over time, this trust can be built up, fostering deeper, healthier relationships.
Why does setting healthy boundaries feel wrong?
Setting healthy boundaries can feel wrong or uncomfortable, especially for those who grew up in environments where their voice and needs were disregarded. In toxic or unhealthy family dynamics, children often learn—directly or indirectly—that their needs aren’t as important, that expressing limits is selfish, or that they should prioritize others’ feelings over their own. Over time, this can create an internalized belief that they don’t “deserve” boundaries, or that setting them will lead to rejection, conflict, or even punishment.
When trauma survivors begin to set healthy boundaries, it challenges these long-held beliefs. Suddenly, they’re asserting their needs, protecting their space, and exercising a voice they were taught to suppress. This new behavior can feel uncomfortable or even guilt-inducing, as it disrupts the ingrained message that they don’t have a right to these limits. However, with support and practice, setting boundaries can help rewrite these messages, allowing survivors to redefine their sense of worth and reclaim a voice that has always been theirs.
How do I set boundaries assertively without confrontation?
Setting boundaries assertively doesn’t have to lead to confrontation; it’s about communicating your needs clearly and respectfully. One effective way to do this is by using “I” statements. For example, saying, “I feel overwhelmed when I receive work messages outside of office hours, so I won’t be responding after 6 PM,” frames the boundary as a personal need rather than a criticism, which can make it easier for others to accept.
However, in some situations, especially with individuals who might challenge or disregard boundaries, you may need to restate the boundary if they try to push back, manipulate, or guilt-trip you. Calmly reiterating your position can reinforce that your boundaries are firm and not up for negotiation. Remember, setting boundaries assertively is about honoring your well-being, even if it takes practice to feel confident and calm when doing so.
What does boundary-setting look like in a family with toxic dynamics?
In a family with toxic dynamics, boundary-setting might look like allowing yourself to say “no” to things you’ve felt obligated to do in the past. For instance, you might choose not to attend every family gathering if doing so leaves you feeling drained or unsafe. Saying “no” could also mean setting limits on certain behaviors, such as refusing to participate in conversations that are critical or emotionally harmful.
Boundary-setting can include stepping back from traditions or expectations that don’t feel supportive, such as opting out of tasks you’ve typically done for certain family members. Each “no” is a step toward honoring your own needs and reinforcing that you are not responsible for managing others’ expectations at the cost of your own well-being.
Why do boundaries help reduce anxiety and depression?
Boundaries play a powerful role in reducing anxiety and depression because they reinforce self-worth and provide clarity in relationships. When we don’t have boundaries, it’s easy to doubt ourselves and constantly worry about whether we’re doing enough to please others or meet their expectations. This lack of clarity can chip away at self-esteem, leaving us feeling like we’re always falling short or that our needs don’t matter.
Without boundaries, we often end up in situations that drain us emotionally, leading to a cycle of self-criticism and guilt. This emotional drain creates an incubator for anxiety and depression, where low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy can thrive. Boundaries help disrupt this cycle by giving us permission to protect our energy and prioritize our own well-being. Each boundary set is a step toward reducing self-doubt and allowing space for a healthier, more positive self-image.
How can I view boundaries as a form of self-care?
Boundaries can be seen as a powerful form of self-care because they enable us to honor our desires, feelings, and limits. By setting boundaries, we’re making a conscious choice to respect our own needs and create space for what genuinely matters to us. Each boundary we establish reflects a commitment to caring for ourselves—both mentally and emotionally—which is essential in building self-confidence and reclaiming personal power.
When we treat boundaries as self-care, we recognize that they’re not just about keeping others at a distance but about creating a life aligned with our values. This shift in perspective helps us feel more grounded in our worth, showing ourselves that our well-being is a priority. Over time, honoring boundaries reinforces our self-confidence, helping us approach relationships and life with a renewed sense of strength and clarity.
Understanding and setting boundaries is a journey—one that asks you to prioritize your own well-being and rediscover your voice. For many trauma survivors, establishing healthy limits can feel uncomfortable, even wrong, but each boundary set is a step toward greater emotional safety, resilience, and self-respect. Through this process, you’re not only protecting your peace but also creating the foundation for relationships where you feel valued and empowered.
If you recognize yourself in these struggles and feel ready to make a change, trauma therapy can be a helpful guide in navigating this path. Working with a trauma therapist can provide support in identifying where boundaries are needed and empower you to build relationships that reflect your worth. To explore how trauma therapy can support your journey, request a free 15-minute phone consultation by clicking here. Take this first step toward reclaiming your peace and creating a life aligned with your values.
Kristy Brewer is an online therapist in Georgia who helps people find peace amidst the chaos. Her specialties include trauma therapy in Atlanta, attachment therapy for trauma within toxic relationships, anxiety therapy, depression therapy, and parents raising a traumatized child.
Request a free 15-minute phone consultation by clicking here.
