The Balm of Gilead: How to Apply the Atonement of Jesus Christ to Heal Emotional Pain from a Trauma Therapist in Atlanta.
Years ago, I spent some time serving as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. During that time, I taught people about repentance through a process we termed the ABCs of repentance. The letter A stands for "admit you have done something wrong," the letter B stands for "be sorry," and the letter C stands for "correct the problem." Sometimes we included D for “don’t do it again,” and E for “ever” before landing at F for forgiveness.
The steps to emotional healing
As my understanding of healing from emotional pain has increased, I have learned that applying the Atonement of Jesus Christ in the healing process follows a similar pattern. This is not an exhaustive list and you may not need all of these steps. There may also be other pieces you might need to be part of your journey toward finding greater peace in your life. But these are some of the most common ones I see.
Step #1: Admit I am wrestling with unhealed emotional pain.
The first step in the healing process is also to admit there is emotional pain you are struggling with. Until you bring yourself to a place where you are willing to admit that you need to be healed, healing will not happen. You might choose to distract yourself from the emotional pain you feel by overloading yourself with lengthy to-do lists or even numbing the pain through an addiction. But no matter how hard you try, unhealed emotional pain almost always finds its way to the surface. When it does, it can wreak havoc on your relationships, emotions, jobs, and everyday life.
This step can be terrifying, particularly when struggling with trauma. But admitting you are hurting releases the pressure valve and can bring immediate relief, as the energy you once put into running away from the pain now shifts towards healing it.
Step #2: Allow myself to feel what I need to heal.
The second step in the ABCs of repentance is to be sorry, which involves feeling. Similarly, the second step in applying the atonement of Jesus Christ to the healing process is to allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling. In the aftermath of abuse, it's a false belief to think it's not okay to be angry. Do you think the Savior was not angry when you were being harmed? But to remain in a state of constant anger will not benefit you. Anger is a secondary emotion and usually sits on top of fear or pain. Once the fear or pain is acknowledged anger usually subsides. To remain angry would only stunt your healing process. Some abuse survivors believe that if they let go of feeling angry, then their abuser will not be punished. This is not true. Your abuser cannot escape being held accountable by God.
Step #3: Correct the problem.
The third step in the healing process is to correct the problem. This step can look different for each person and will be based on what brought you to therapy. Those who are grieving after the death of a loved one, may not need to evaluate boundaries the same way someone who has been harmed by a toxic or abusive person might need to. Remember, this list is not exhaustive and is in no particular order, but rather includes some of the most common parts of bringing relief and healing to emotional pain. You might also need to move through each of these pieces several times before you feel you are ready to let it go.
Establishing realistic expectations and self-compassion.
Imagine walking into the door of your home and pausing for a moment. What do you see? What do you hear? What do you feel as you pause for just a moment? What do you tell yourself about what you notice? Are your thoughts full of criticism about what you notice? Or do you feel peaceful?
If you walked into your friend's home and noticed the same things, would your thoughts be the same? We tend to be so much more critical of ourselves than we are of others. If upon walking into your home you notice various piles of clutter, unfinished projects, toys left where playing ended, and mounds of dishes and laundry, it could all be evidence of the overwhelm you struggle with. To then follow it up with self-criticism playing on repeat in your mind will prevent you from being able to see possible solutions, drive away self-compassion, and deepen emotional pain and suffering.
Imagine employing self-compassion as you step into your home with the same piles of clutter, toys, and unfinished projects scattered around, as well as piles of dishes and laundry. Pause. Take a deep breath. Then choose one thing you would like to focus on improving that would help you feel better, and then develop a plan for addressing it. Maybe you need 15 minutes at the end of each day to tidy up. Perhaps a child’s bedtime routine needs to include 5 minutes of picking up their toys. It might even be as simple as using the help of a cleaning service. By embracing self-compassion, you permit yourself to examine where you are, identify an area of growth, and develop a plan for moving forward while giving yourself permission not to stress over other things. Do the best you can to manage those other things, but your focus and attention remain on improving that one identified task.
As you implement your plan make sure to evaluate how your plan is working at addressing what you need it to address. If something isn’t working quite right, try something else until it does. Once you have mastered that one, choose another one to work on and repeat the process.
To expect yourself not to struggle through the aftermath of trauma just because someone else had it worse than you did is unrealistic. Believing you should be able to move on since the event happened so long ago without addressing it is also unrealistic. Broken bones that are not set properly do not heal properly. Emotional wounds do not heal properly when they are not addressed.
What did you learn about yourself, others, and the world? Is it accurate?
Facing challenges in life can be difficult, but we often learn things about ourselves, others, and the world around us. When a baby cries, for instance, if the baby’s cries are responded to, the baby learns he or she is valued and loved, others can be trusted to meet the child’s needs, and the world is a safe place. A baby who’s cries are not responded to learns he or she is not loveable, develops deep levels of shame, learns others can’t be trusted to meet the child’s needs, and the world is not a safe place.
Those who have endured the trauma of toxic relationships or abuse often learn similar things: I am not loveable, others can’t be trusted, the world is not a safe place, or this was my fault. Shame can typically accompany these negative relationship experiences too. These beliefs can be difficult to shake, but recognizing them as inaccurate will be a vital part of your healing and can change how you feel about yourself, others, and the world.
What questions or confusion do you have?
Trauma can be very confusing and can lead to unresolved questions about contributing factors and your own self-worth. Setting boundaries can also be confusing and difficult to navigate, especially if you still have to maintain a relationship with someone who is toxic or abusive such as with an abusive ex-partner you share a child with. Addressing your questions in therapy can help you see things through a less painful lens.
The emotionally corrective experience
This step often includes using body-based therapies to provide you with an experience that imprints differently within the cells of your body than the original experience did. For instance, growing up in a family where you were not allowed to say no not only teaches you intellectually that you can’t say no but also teaches your body that you can’t say no. You might find yourself struggling to say no to someone who asks you to attend a doctor’s appointment when you don’t have time in your schedule. You might take on more projects or hours at work than you originally agreed to. Unwanted sexual advances can feel nearly impossible to say no to for someone who grew up with these family dynamics. An emotionally corrective experience allows your body to have a different emotional experience, allowing you to respond differently.
Step #4: Forgiveness.
The fourth and final step in the healing process is forgiveness. Once you have moved through the previous steps, your pain has now decreased or been relieved. This is when you feel different, lighter, and have a sense of freedom. Now the only thing to do is to lay it at the feet of the Savior and walk away, trusting that He will take care of it, so you no longer have to. You now get to let go of wanting to see the person who harmed you punished for their actions; you now get to walk away and not think about it anymore.
I often hear from people they believe this step is first, but it is almost always last! Consider this. The final step of being forgiven of sin comes after we have done the work necessary to be forgiven. So why shouldn’t it also be last in the steps to healing? It also becomes much easier to let go once the pain has been decreased or eliminated.
If you feel you could use some help in applying these steps, then reach out. I would be happy to hear about what is happening and share with you how I can help. You can request a free 15-minute phone consultation by calling (678) 744-5369 or by clicking here. If you are looking for a keynote speaker at your event in Georgia you can reach me at the same number or by clicking here. I specialize in helping trauma survivors feel calm; overwhelmed, and depressed women to calm the chaos; anxious people feel safe and worry less; toxic relationship survivors feel more confident; and parents raising a traumatized child feel less traumatized themselves.
