Why Letting Go Feels So Hard: A Trauma Therapist in Atlanta on Enabling vs. Empowering Your Adult Child
If you’re reading this, chances are you love your adult child deeply and want the best for them. You’ve spent years nurturing, guiding, and protecting them—so why does stepping back now feel so overwhelming? Shouldn’t it feel good to help them? Shouldn’t it be easy to let go, knowing you’ve done your job?
But what if your child is struggling? What if their financial challenges aren’t just about poor decisions but are tied to a mental health condition like anxiety, depression, or ADHD? What if they have a learning difference that makes managing money, holding a steady job, or planning for the future harder than it is for their peers? Suddenly, the line between supporting and enabling becomes even blurrier.
As a trauma therapist in Atlanta, I often get asked by parents how to deal with certain situations with their adult son or daughter. Sometimes the adult son or daughter is on the Autism spectrum, has ADHD, a learning disorder, or something else that makes independence difficult. If you are in this situation, you may feel torn between wanting to help and fearing that your support is keeping them stuck. You may wonder if stepping back would be cruel—or if stepping in is preventing them from learning critical life skills. If you’re struggling with these questions, you’re not alone.
In this blog, we’ll explore the difference between enabling and empowering, why letting go feels so hard (especially when mental health challenges are involved), and how to offer support that fosters growth rather than dependence.
Why Letting Go Feels So Hard: The Instinct to Protect
From the moment we become parents, our role is clear: keep them safe, meet their needs, and help them grow. But when mental health challenges or learning difficulties enter the picture, the parenting journey often becomes more complicated. We learn to anticipate their struggles, advocate for their needs, and step in before they fall too hard. Over time, this protective instinct can become deeply ingrained—so much so that pulling back feels unnatural, even impossible.
But when does protecting turn into rescuing? When does advocating shift into over-functioning? The answer isn’t always clear, especially when we see our child struggling. Yet, if we always step in, they may never develop the skills or confidence to step up for themselves.
Why It Feels So Personal
Letting go isn’t just about them—it’s about us, too. Seeing our child in financial distress, overwhelmed by life’s demands, or unable to navigate adulthood without help can stir up our own emotions: fear, guilt, or even a sense of failure. We may unconsciously try to shield our child from those difficult experiences. But real growth comes through struggle, not through avoidance.
Helping vs. Enabling: How to Tell the Difference
Helping empowers your child to grow, develop problem-solving skills, and build confidence in their ability to navigate life’s challenges. It means offering guidance, encouragement, and support while allowing them to take responsibility for their own choices. True help fosters self-sufficiency—whether that’s assisting with a budget, encouraging therapy, or brainstorming solutions together rather than providing all the answers.
Enabling, on the other hand, prevents growth by shielding your child from consequences, often out of fear that they’ll struggle or fail. If you find yourself regularly bailing them out financially, making excuses for their behavior, or taking on responsibilities they should manage themselves, you may be enabling rather than helping. The key difference lies in whether your support encourages independence or reinforces dependence.
The Hidden Costs of Enabling: What’s at Stake?
While enabling may come from a place of love, it can unintentionally undermine your child’s self-esteem and resilience. When they rely on you to solve their problems, they miss the opportunity to develop confidence in their own abilities. Over time, this can create a cycle of dependence, leaving them feeling incapable and stuck rather than empowered to navigate life’s challenges.
Enabling also affects your relationship. Resentment can build—either from your child, who may feel micromanaged, or from you, as the weight of constant support takes an emotional and financial toll. The stress of always stepping in can lead to frustration and even guilt, making it harder to show up as the loving, supportive parent you want to be. It can also add strain to your relationships with others who believe you are doing too much for them, leading to tension with a spouse, other children, or close friends who may see the situation differently.
A Hard Truth: You Won’t Always Be There to Help
One of the most heartbreaking realities of enabling is what happens when the parent dies and is no longer there to provide constant support. I had a family member whose enabling parent passed away, and the sudden loss of that safety net was devastating. Without the skills or confidence to manage life’s demands on his own, he struggled to keep a job, faced overwhelming financial challenges, and even experienced homelessness for a time. Going from complete dependence to total self-sufficiency overnight was a painful and overwhelming transition—one he wasn’t prepared for.
There will come a time when you are no longer here for your adult child, too. While it’s difficult to imagine, stepping back now and helping them build resilience, problem-solving skills, and confidence is one of the greatest gifts you can give them. Empowering them today means ensuring they won’t be left unprepared tomorrow.
Empowering Your Adult Child: What Healthy Support Looks Like
So, let's talk about support that empowers your adult child and prepares them for independence. Empowerment begins with setting boundaries that are both firm and loving. This means clearly communicating what kind of support you can offer while also encouraging your child to take responsibility for their own decisions. Rather than fixing problems for them, help them develop problem-solving skills by asking guiding questions and offering resources rather than solutions.
Emotional support is different from rescuing. Validating their struggles, encouraging self-advocacy, and reminding them of their strengths can go a long way in helping them build resilience. Healthy support allows you to be present for your child.
Overcoming Guilt and Fear: A Parent’s Inner Work
It’s natural to feel guilt when stepping back, especially if your child has challenges with mental health or learning differences. But letting go doesn’t mean abandoning them—it means shifting your role from fixer to guide. Your job is not to remove every obstacle but to help them build the skills to overcome those obstacles themselves.
Regulating your own emotions is key in this process. Fear and guilt may push you to step in, but pausing to reflect—asking yourself, Am I helping them grow, or just easing my own discomfort?"—can bring clarity. Seeking support for yourself, whether through therapy, peer groups, or self-care, can also help you navigate this transition with confidence.
Practical Strategies for Parents: How to Shift from Enabling to Empowering
Before offering help, ask yourself: Is this something they could handle on their own with guidance? Am I stepping in out of fear or because they truly need assistance? These questions can help you distinguish between necessary support and enabling.
"When setting boundaries, clear and compassionate language is key. Instead of saying, I can’t keep bailing you out, try, I believe in you, and I know you can figure this out. I’m happy to help you brainstorm solutions. These types of responses help your struggling adult child to start thinking about possible solutions to their challenges.
Conclusion: Letting Go to Let Them Grow
Letting go isn’t about turning your back on your child—it’s about trusting in their ability to grow. When you step back in a healthy way, you create space for them to build confidence, problem-solve, and take ownership of their own life. Sometimes it means they need to struggle for a while to figure it out, and that can be difficult for you to watch. But remember, a bird that isn't allowed to struggle out of its shell doesn’t survive. The strength it builds while breaking free is essential for its survival. In the same way, your adult child may need to face their struggles to develop the resilience and skills necessary for success.
A Free Consultation for Therapy in Atlanta
If this process feels overwhelming, remember that you don’t have to navigate it alone. Therapy can offer guidance, helping you process the emotions that come with stepping back while equipping you with tools to support your child in a way that truly fosters their independence.
If you’re ready to go deeper, I invite you to schedule a free 15-minute consultation here. As a trauma therapist in Atlanta, I empower individuals to build relationships that are healthy and fulfilling. Let’s take that first step together.
Kristy Brewer is a therapist in Atlanta offering online therapy in Georgia helping people find peace amidst the chaos. Her specialties include trauma therapy, attachment therapy for trauma within toxic relationships, anxiety therapy, depression therapy, and parents raising a traumatized child.
Request a free 15-minute phone consultation today by clicking here.
